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the lessons and mistakes of a subversive
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I'm awake at this godforsaken hour because of my pregnant bladder. I woke up at 4:30 AM to go pee and due to extreme hunger was not able to fall back asleep. So I am amusing myself online. I have good news! I saw the ob-gyn yesterday and the baby is BIG! Either it's big for its age, or, as the doctor thinks is more likely, I'm further along than I thought. I assumed I was 12 weeks but he says I am 13 weeks 3 days! I saw the baby moving on the sonogram so all is well. I also saw a close-up of its cute little profile. The sonogram image they gave me is much less clear but it shows limbs and a human-like body. But the best news is: I'M OUT OF THE FIRST TRIMESTER! That means some of my horrible symptoms will go away: the fatigue, the nausea, the food aversions (I hope.) The one thing that I have serious doubts about is that I believe the migraines are here to stay. Ugh.



I have something I want to quote here because I saw it on facebook and I think it's a valuable piece of advice...for anyone...

Hey you. Yes you. Stop being unhappy with yourself. You are perfect. Stop wishing you looked like someone else or wishing people liked you as much as they like someone else. Stop trying to get attention from those who hurt you. Stop hating your body, your face, your personality, your quirks. Love them. Without them you wouldn't be you. And why would you want to be anyone else? Be confident with who you are. Smile. It'll draw people in. If anyone hates on you because you are happy with yourself then stick your middle finger in the air and say screw it. My happiness will not depend on others anymore. I'm happy because I love who I am. I love my flaws. I love my imperfections. They make me me and "me" is pretty amazing.

I need to remember these words.

Sonogram pic to come!

Current Mood: awake awake

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I see now that when I moved here I was a sensitive and fragile little girl. Under all my sense of humor and my silliness, I hurt and confused because I could not understand how anyone could not like me. But with my mother in law I already had two strikes against me to begin with: I wasn't a "real" Jew and I wasn't a Syrian Sephardic; however I held on to the hope that I would change her mind, that I would become the daughter in law she had always wanted, and at first I hoped to do this through Simon. I thought, "Well, Simon's Mexico project is going to make big money and then we will make her proud of us." But this didn't happen and when we had to move in with her my hopes and dreams were dashed. And then she kept putting me down, and after a while I started thinking it was true. Now looking back I realize what she was doing; she was telling me what I was doing wrong in hopes of making me do better, but it didn't work. She was making the classic parental mistake, giving me negative feedback in hopes of receiving a positive response; this is why psychologists recommend parents give positive feedback predominantly. Negative feedback feeds negativity. But she didn't know any better; her parents treated her the same and worse. If she brought home an A, it wasn't good enough; she should have brought home an A+ and so forth. And they hit her with a belt! What she's done to me in comparison is tame. You have to have an understanding of where someone is from so that you can understand their sense of scale. Not that I ever intend to let her grab me by the back of my hair again! However I still have the desire to show her that I am the daughter in law she had always wanted...that has never changed. I think throughout this entire time, only my feelings about myself have changed. Let's start at a baseline: when I married in 2005 I felt fine about myself. In 2007 I got pregnant. We moved to NJ. Then we had financial trouble, and we started fighting. My self esteem started slipping. I was using Xanax; I stopped for the baby, then went back on. We moved to Brooklyn, and I became addicted to Xanax. Very depressed. Became pregnant again. This time didn't get off Xanax for the baby; baby was born Xanax-addicted. Got clean briefly following baby's birth (needed to wean both baby and self off Xanax to get baby un-Xanax addicted...needed to give baby breastmilk w no Xanax in it) then fell into post-partum depression (surprisingly the PPD didn't hit til months after the birth, not right away.) Then started using heavy drugs in fall and winter of 2009...had accident winter 2009. Sent to rehab March 2010 and started DBT Aptil 2011. From 2005 to 2011 I've made a curious sort of circle...I was blissfully happy at the time we got married, and I'm blissfully happy now, except that now I carry with me a bunch of new scars and we don't have two pennies to rub together, but that's ok because I'm willing to work hard even if HE isn't (I seem to have married the type of man who is work adverse.) AND! the good thing is, now I have a whole bunch of new "life skills" so that I'm well equipped to handle the crap life throws at you and I'm not quite so sensitive anymore since I've developed a MUCH thicker skin. I've come to realize that: A) not everybody is always going to like you all of the time and it's not such a tragedy and B) you can't believe everything everybody says especially if their M.O. is to always say negative things all the time. WELL, if you're going to bring your Negative Nancy, I'm going to bring my Zen Master pose all up your ass and be like *bows* "thank you kindly for your HELPFUL feedback, I will be sure to take it in the spirit that it was meant" and I will definitely make sure to take that stuff with a reality check! As in, I'm doing alright, y'all, but just double-check the feedback and see if there's anything worthwhile about it before I chuck it. And consider the source! ;)

Well I'm getting a little silly now. I should head back to bed. So long and good night!
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I am so upset. I just found out that MY ADDICTION, the Underground, is banned!!! I can't access it!!! And worse, I have no idea how to contact anybody!!! ARGH. I should have gotten some people's AIM names or something so at least I would have an idea how to contact people so I would know what is going on, whether the site would be going back up or if it is permemently down or what. I wrote so much stuff on that site, I can't believe it is all gone *sob*

Well I will just have to start tracking my weight loss progress here. I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 109.6. This was BEFORE I bought my diuretics. I realized what happened...why my weight jumped to 112 yesterday...it's because 2 days ago I gorged on water and I'm having my non-period period (that is...I don't leak blood. But this is the time of month I'm supposed to have a period, and my body behaves as if I'm having a period except for the fact that I don't actually leak blood. So I get cramps and nausea and bloating. Oh joy.) So I retained all that water that I drank, thus causing the number on the scale to rise. So therefore to make the number drop, I'm taking natural diuretics. However this morning even before the diuretics, I was 109.6. Presumably once the diuretics work I will weigh even less. What I took just now was dandelion root, which is one of three things listed that I could have taken (the others being ginger and juniper.) If dandelion doesn't work I'll go back to the store and get ginger. There was no juniper to be had anywhere. Ginger is good for soothing your stomach anyway. I also got 5-HTP which is supposed to elevate your mood and control your appetite. (I'm a big suppliment junkie)

I will continue to track my weight in my blog as long as THE SITE is down but I hope it comes back on soon. I will stay vigilant on WE because I hope someone will contact me via that site, they know me on there and I am reachable via WE. I hope our beloved site can be saved and moved to another location and our information can be saved...it's valuable to all of us.

I have come to depend on that community of girls so much...I really hope that it is not down for good.

Current Mood: crushed crushed

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I've re-read most of my blog. I cannot believe how emotionally unstable I used to be. I know I have bipolar, but I can't believe that I honestly attempted suicide while I was 7 months pregnant! How selfish and reckless can you be?! Was I trying to kill my baby??? Now that I have two children, I feel so shocked at this action that I am without words. But then I have to remind myself that it was not just me and my bipolar in the picture...I was also taking a great deal of Xanax, which has a side effect of suicidal ideation. I was also having a rough time with my husband. But still...*shakes head*

I have a lot more emotional control now. I go to a therapy group called DBT, which I believe I have mentioned. I did not, at first, believe I needed DBT. However I now believe I need it badly. This group has helped me immeasurably. Without them I do not know what I would do. I bring all my problems to them and they help me stay calm. I thought that since my bipolar is in remission (I am not depressed nor am I overly manic) nor do I have any major upheavals in my life I did not need DBT...I was wrong...I am struggling with my self esteem in a major way and I have control issues. Right now I am struggling with my weight. That is all I wish to say on the matter. DBT allows me to work on my issues as a person who needs to be more fully present.

Today I got off to a good start. I woke up at 6:55 AM. I asked my mother in law how to cook the breakfast and she showed me, and I made it myself. I dressed the girls and I did their hair myself. I did all the steps from A to Z. She showed me which bag was Sarina's and which was Laura's. I need to continue to get up at 7 AM every day. I need to set my alarm. This way, if I can make the breakfast on my own, and take over all the morning stuff, then I can prove that I can handle the responsibilies on my own for when Simon and I are living independently. I need to do it consistently.

I am going to log off now and finish the laundry. This should not take me long. I have learned to do it quickly.

Important lessons learned: be more independent. do your chores quickly and on time. regulate your emotions carefully.
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Well. Last fall and early winter I did coke and DXM like nobody's business. It cumulated with a car crash (I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping and took too much Xanax, fell asleep at the wheel) and my drug problem was revealed for the world to see. I was addicted to Xanax, still am addicted to Fiorcet. I also pop painkillers like I have a death wish if I can get my hands on them. I went to rehab in February. The minute I got out I was high on Fiorcet. Fiorcet makes me crazy sometimes if I overdo it. Since then I've sobered up and relapsed half a dozen times, driving my folks up the wall.

Now, since this journal is for my eyes only, I want to say that today I got some pills. I'm going easy on the pills though. Not enough to slur my speech. Not enough to make me crazy. Just enough to coast, to feel "up." It's only enough to last a few days anyway. I don't even want more than that. I've learned the hard way that its tough to get enough pills to cover you all month and if you go a long period of time taking the pills daily its tough to stop. I just want a brief period of taking the pills then back to sobriety. That way I don't suffer, see? And I appreciate it more while I have it, too.

I'm going to give up Fiorcet soon. I'm weaning myself off it. I've cut off supply lines. One was cut off today. Now I only have three main ones. Well, I don't think it will be forever. I just think I need to cut myself off for now because people really feel this is a bad drug for me to take. I would tend to agree because I have a lack of self control when it comes to Fiorcet.

Current Mood: complacent complacent

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I've been on a drug bender for the past couple of days. I've taken: cocaine, alcohol, tobacco, weed, DXM, my pain pills containing barbituates and codeine, and amphetamines in the form of crushed-up Adderal. Right now I'm tired but I've got to look after the kiddies so I'm taking speed to keep me awake. I really wish I'd saved more of the coke for today cuz I need it. But I don't wanna keep spending my cash on coke because if I go down that road I'll fall back into the pattern of deception that I did before in MD. I bought coke like crazy and did it with good friends. I don't think my husband knew or if he did he kept his mouth shut about it. I do think he suspected. If he confronted me about it I'd fess up. It was so long ago anyways.

Just did another tiny line of Adderal. Must stay awake. DXM makes me sleep especially when I drink at the same time.

I don't really LIKE DXM. It's just that it's cheap ($7 a 4 oz bottle, only 1/2 of which I need to feel a body high) and it's legal and no one is gonna get suspicious of me taking cough syrup since we've all had colds anyways. I don't really like Adderal either. I used to, but now I'm so fucking paranoid about my heart rate. I'm doing extremely tiny amounts so I don't get that heart-racing feeling.

Just felt my pulse. SLIGHTLY elevated but nothing to worry about. It's when it feels like THUMP THUMP THUMP that I get scared. Also if I lay around paying too much attention to it that'll make me paranoid.

As for booze, I like the tipsy feeling but I HATE the hangovers. Weed, I like, but sometimes I get scared cuz it seems like I'm not breathing frequently enuf.

Cocaine I LOVE. I like it a lil too much. If we had tons of money I'd be buying an 8-ball every week.

My pain pills, I like, the only problem is that the high only lasts a short time. Sucks. I wish I could get other pain pills like oxy or something. I love pain pills. The problem with the pills though is I don't want to OD on Tylenol which is mixed into a lot of them such as Hydrocodone. I found a website where I can order Hydrocodone but it costs a lottttt. $100 or more. And I have a tolerance for pain pills now because of abusing them so it's not really worth it. But I'm so boredddddddddddddddddddddddd.....

I have what I call BHS: Bored Housewife Syndrome. I think I mentioned that already. That's why all the drugs. If I can't travel physically, I can take a "mental" trip and it lifts my mood and kills some time. I feel like I'm playing a waiting game. Just waiting for Simon to get it together. Waiting for Mexico to happen, or for him to get a job. Waiting to move out of this place.

Shit. I still feel tired despite the Adderal. I think I'm fucked.

Current Mood: crappy crappy

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I just realized that "Desperate Housewives" is a lot like me. In fact, I feel like a desperate housewife. I've got what I call "Bored Housewife Syndrome" which is a case of every day feeling the same way. Here's how it goes:

7:30 AM: Wake up, feed Laura (6 month old).
8-9 AM: Watch older daughter, Sarina, also called Renie, watch Spongebob Squarepants and Dora the Explorer,
9:30 AM: sit Laura in Bumbo seat, bring Renie into the bathroom with me, wash face, brush teeth (Renie fake-toothbrushes along with Mommy) apply deodarent, and apply makeup as needed.
10 AM: After checking her diaper, set Laura down in crib and take Renie down for breakfast (she had a sippy cup of milk when she woke up so she doesn't need breakfast til 10).
10-10:30: Give Renie breakfast: oatmeal mixed with applesauce, waffles, or toast
11 AM: Feed Laura 2nd bottle of the day
12: set both kids down to sleep. Eat my own lunch
1-1:30 M Keep checking on kids til Renie is awake. Laura will probably keep sleeping for another 2 hours. Get Renie, check diaper, then take her downstairs to play
4 PM: Check Laura's diaper. With Renie, either go out to the back, go to the park, or do errands together.
6 PM: start getting dinner ready
7:30 PM: Dinner is served
7:45: Bathtime for the girls
8:30: Bedtime for both girls (if not sooner; don't think I'm a bad mom, this just represents my outer limits)
9 PM-1 AM: TV time for Mommy and Daddy

Rinse and repeat

Current Mood: crappy crappy

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i carry your heart with me


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Current Mood: cheerful cheerful

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I'm better with words when I don't want anything because then I'm just glad to be alive & words are my happy sounds

Current Mood: sick sick

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I wake a 6:30 AM now.

I pump milk roughly every 2 to 3 hours to try to increase my supply. I change diapers before they're completely disgusting. I spend time, unprompted, bonding with my baby. I clean the bedroom daily and make the bed. I'd say I'm in a good place right now. I no longer prefer being asleep to being awake.

Yet somehow Claudia left me. She allowed some money issues between my husband and her brother to come between us. Of course this hurts me very much, but I guess she doesn't have the capacity to compartmentalize these different sections of her life and not allow one to impact the other. I;m very sad about this, but I'm hopeful that Simon's project will begin to be funded by the end of this month and then we can throw some money at the Anderson family and see what they say. Mind you, I'm not sure I'll welcome her back with open arms if she does a 180 after we drop 4 grand on them; fair weather friends are not true friends. So we'll have to see.

My main goals right now are: taking the best possible care of my children, taking care of myself, losing weight and working out, painting the nursery and transporting my cat to Seattle. All that has to get done this month. Plus we have a baseball game this month too and I'd like to get in some mystery shops and figure out how to get back to grad school at Capella in the fall. So I have plenty going on. It'll be nice to go to Rochester and eat at Aladdin's, California Rollin' and that Ethopian place. I also want to try to make up with Jill. I'm going to send her an email today and keep my fingers crossed. And then I get to see Greg and his new place in Seattle...the pictures are gorgeous...and meet his girlfriend and go out for sushi there...OMAKASE!!! Fun.

Sure, there's a lot of hard work to be done with childcare, but I'm actually managing quite well with my current med mix. Thank god for bipolar meds! I've never felt so stable in my life except when I was in remission (not on drugs but not going up and down). But this month is going to be fun even if Mexico does not happen. And if Mexico doesn't happen I know Simon has other options. Worst comes to worst, I can always go back to my other job (exotic dancing) once I've finished breastfeeding. It depends how saggy the girls are. I know they say that all the damage is done after the FIRST baby, but I worked for a while after Renie was born and none of the customers had a problem with my boobs. Now they seem even MORE saggy. But I can't get a boob job (even if I wanted one, which I don't, cuz it looks so fake) because if we want more children I want to make SURE I can breastfeed.

But I really hope Mexico works out. Manzanillo is starting to experience a boom and we need to get in on it. They even have a Starbucks now!!! Plus it's prettier and cleaner now too. We just HAVE to move there. I wouldn't even mind a condo at Pacifico Azul, where we stayed recently. The pools are excellent and the atmosphere is very kid-friendly. The rooms are small and easy to air condition. Beds are comfy. It's not la Punta, but at this point, just moving there is all I want. Give me some A/C in the room, a nice pool and a safe environment for the kids and I'm already packed and ready to go :)

Here's hoping!!!!

Current Mood: hopeful hopeful

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